[man #1] I think we're supposed to act Mexican.
Three Mexicans in a dark alley.
[narrator] This is a story about three amigos.
Not the white ones, but the brown ones.
Three pistoleros
tonight will meet their destiny.
Passion, action, danger,
romance, desire.
You know. All the same old shit.
- [man #1 ] Why did you stop, bro? - [man #2] I stepped in shit!
[man #1 ] You do not stop in the middle of a take.
[man #3] But it's off-camera, Freddy.
[man #1 ] It's a movie. They can't see your shoes.
- Put your feet down, Freddy. - [man #3] Horse shit or dog shit!
[Freddy] We're walking in the the dark for God's sake.
[man #1] We don't have money to pay for lights.
You still keep walking.
- We don't have film to do another take. - [Freddy] There's no lights!
- [man #1] "There's shit there." - [Freddy] Get me a shoe!
Freddy Soto I relate to a lot
because his father, that he does in his act, is just like mine.
The balls that Freddy has
to commit to what he does is impressive.
Freddy is a guy that, if he wanted to,
could go up on stage and get a laugh every 30 seconds.
[announcer] Let's party. From the proud state of Texas,
please welcome Freddy Soto!
- [hip hop music] - [people cheering]
What's up?
What is up, T exas?
Whoo!
I love you all.
So, what's up, man? I got...
I know you're gonna be happy about this shit.
I got married. Dig it. I got married.
- [people jeering] - [chuckles]
Some people are booing me. "Boo! Get out of here."
Sound like my family, man. What's up?
It's hard because my chick was so into it. You know?
She's so happy, my beautiful Corey. She's so into it.
"Oh, my God! I'm gonna be a Mexican!"
I'm like, "Babe, it doesn't work like that. You know?"
When she met my family though, she knew it was gonna be craZy.
'Cause my dad comes up with shit.
He's got his favorite English word he says for everything.
"Hey, regardless."
He doesn't know what it means. He likes to say it.
"Hey, pendejo, regardless."
He'll just stick it into a word, whether it belongs there or not.
"Hey, Freddy, come over here. Listen to me. Hey.
On the barrel on the side,
we need to wax it on the side regardless,
and on the bottom too, we need to..."
What did you say, man?
Did you throw in a "regardless" in for no reason?
"No. Not for no reason. Regardless, it needs it!"
[chuckling] Dad, come on.
He's been doing it since I was a kid.
He would ask me how to spell things for him.
"Guy, come over here, guy.
How many S's are there in the word 'shicken'?"
A "shicken"?
What the fuck are you talking about "shicken," man?
He gets pissed and...
"Cabron, ese shicken! How many, goddamn it?"
Well, fuck it, man. Four.
Put as many as you want, brother. Damn.
The way you say it, there's a lot of S's. I'm just...
I'm just telling you, man.
I try to help the guy out.
How come it's "shair" and it's "shicken,"
but your knife, it's "charp"?
All of a sudden there's a C-H, man. You know?
And it just pops out. "Choes."
Whoa.
Come on, guy.
I was always a smart-ass, man.
We lived a stressful life, brother.
I had roaches in my house, man. That's stress.
They were just flying around.
[flapping sound]
Flying around, man.
I hated those things too, man. Roaches are the worst, bro.
My dad used to step on them and then just leave them there.
Dad, come on. We're in the kitchen. You wanna pick it up?
"No, leave it so the other ones know what's waiting for them, goddamn it.
Come down, cabrones! Come out!
Let's go! Bring your friends, goddamn it!
I got choes! Let's do it!"
Dad, man, you can spray them, bro.
"l could give them candies too.
[chuckling] Here, take them."
No, man, put a roach motel.
"Why? They're already living in my house!
Here's the keys to my car.
Drive it around. Drive it around.
No, cabron. They eat here for free and live here for free,
just like my kids.
Maybe I should spray you, cabron. "
[chuckling] What?
That was the kind of fun we had. You know?
We grew up broke.
When you grow up kinda broke, you know,
you gotta make your own toys and shit like that, man.
You gotta get creative, bro.
I wanted a Slip 'N Slide so bad, man, in the summer.
I had to make a Hefty Slide. [chuckles]
- [whistling] - [screaming]
You know what I mean, man. You tape some Hefty bags together.
You go lay it out on the front lawn.
You put some rocks down on the corners.
Right there.
You're out there. The cars are going by. Vroom!
"What the hell are they doing?"
Everybody's going by,
and my Dad's watering it in his fuckin' underwear.
"Go ahead, mijo. Take a slide. It's ready. Take a slide."
I don't wanna! I don't wanna!
"Take a slide, mijo.
Don't worry. When you come down, I'm gonna pick up the rock.
I'll pick up the rock, pendejo. Don't cry."
Promise you'll pick up the rock?
And they never picked up the rock.
You go sailing on that thing. You know?
Whoo!
Whoa! My nipple! My nipple.
It got cut off.
I got sand in my eye, Dad. I got sand.
Oh, it was beautiful, bro.
That's how we did it though.
We had fun. We liked to play practical jokes on each other.
Oh, it was a blast, man.
My dad liked to take pictures of you when you were pissed off.
He had a little Polaroid camera. He'd just take it out.
[clicking sound] "Look at your face.
Look at the face you're making at me, cabron.
You don't love me."
Dad, I love you.
"All right. Show me.
Let's go do something to your mom."
I remember I went to... [chuckles]
I remember I went to, you know, JuareZ.
That's where I went to cross. You know? JuareZ.
It's near El Paso, Texas, man.
[people cheering]
And, uh, you can go over there,
and you can get this toy. All right?
It's a little miniature shoebox.
And what you do is,
when you open it, there's a spider that comes out,
and that little nail comes out of his mouth.
And when you open it fast enough, it goes right through your knuckle.
Yeah. This is a fuckin' toy, man. All right?
People get this shit on Christmas and shit like that. You know?
Here, Dad. Open this, man. It'll scare you.
"What? I'm gonna be scared of you and your little cagada?
[laughing]
Que chingado. No, you're craZy, mijo.
[laughing]
I don't get scared, cabron. All right?
'Ooh, I'm scared. I'm peeing on my toes.
I don't know what to do.'
He has a little cagada.
Let me see how scary you are, pendejo.
Cabron!
What's wrong with you, goddamn it? Look at my finger!
[Spanish]
[whimpering]
Cabron, are you craZy?
[groaning] Oh, goddamn it, guy.
[sighing]
That's a good one, guy.
That's a good one.
Here, let me see it. I'm gonna go show your mom.
Get the camera. Get the camera!"
By the end of the day, my grandmother would be,
"They got me too, mijo. I have a Band-Aid."
Just remember that when you start those kind of things, it's not over.
You start some shit like that in your house...
...watch out, brother.
'Cause your dad is right there, man.
They're not adults, really. They're like little babies.
Mexicans get pissed off.
They pretend like they're not,
but deep down inside, they're fuckin' pissed off.
Dad, did you like that one, man, with the ring
and the thing that sting you, man?
[laughing] "l liked that one.
I liked that one, cabron. I liked it a lot.
Just remember.
Huh?"
Oh, shit, man. That was kind of weird.
What do you mean? I thought you liked it.
Don't you like it?
"Pendejo, I liked it! Just remember."
And they won't get you back in the next week... or two.
They'll wait a couple years, man.
So you're always on pins and needles, bro.
He got me too.
A year later, I was watching TV, he comes in.
[groaning] "Hijo, mijo. I don't know, guy.
[straining] Ah!
My back. My back, mijo. It hurts. [groans]
[Spanish]
Mijo, put me some BenGay. Put me some BenGay."
All right, Dad. So I get some BenGay, I put it on his shoulder.
"Oh, mijo, you have something on your eye." I go, oh, fuck.
Hey, Dad, I can't see. I can't see, man! Where are you?
"Look at your eye, cabron, in the mirror! It's coming out!
[speaking Spanish]
Why'd you do it, stupid?
Don't get mad, cabron. Don't get mad.
I did it to myself yesterday. I didn't know either, cabron.
But it burns, guy.
Anna, get the camera!
Cabron, no. Hey, hey.
Don't start crying, goddamn it. Don't cry!
No, Cabron. Remember that spider? Remember that spider?
If you do the spider, I'm gonna do the BenGay. All right? Regardless."
All right, Dad. You got me. [chuckles]
That's when I go to my mom, you know.
'Cause my mom will put a stop. "Mijo, please.
Don't play with your father.
Don't play with your father, mijo.
He's craZy.
He doesn't know how to treat children, mijo.
He has the Devil inside of him."
All right, Mom.
- Mom, but my eye still hurts. - "All right, mijo. Don't worry."
[speaking Spanish]
Mom, what's that supposed to do?
It still hurts.
"You're not gonna go to the doctor, cabron. All right?
They'll never take you to the doctor.
That's just some, like, Mexican witchcraft. "Sana, sana. "
You guys know what that means? "Rub, rub the ass of a frog."
Take me to a doctor.
[chuckling] They won't do it.
It's always a home remedy for something.
Everybody's got 'em. My grandmother...
You could cut your arm off at my grandma's.
"Don't worry about it, mijo. Just put some butter on it.
Put some butter and some sour cream.
And then rub a potato and then stick it in the oven."
My dad had a good one.
Dad, I've got athlete's foot.
"Oh, really? You have to pee on your feet."
Man, I'm not gonna pee on my feet.
"Oh, you want me to?"
Man, get away from me.
Mom, Dad wants to pee on my feet.
"Oh, you've got athlete's foot.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you better let him.
Do you have dandruff?"
Hey, hey.
Get the fuck away from me, man. Both of you are sick.
Everybody's got something, man. Right?
Where are my black people at? They know what I'm talking about.
[man shouts]
Oh, shit.
There's only two in the fucked-up seats.
Oh, shit.
Well, I guess we can all start the meeting now.
We all know who's not invited. Please put on your hoods. Feel free.
Let's get this party started.
You know what I'm talking about.
We got the beans, you guys have the fried chicken.
Yeah. Fried chicken, watermelon...
Look. All the audience is scared 'cause you're nine feet tall.
Is that... [laughing]
Everybody's like, "What? Why is he talking like that?
Doesn't he know?
Doesn't he know he's from the jungle? He'll swing down!"
Calm down.
Come on. Chinese people have their rice.
You've seen that.
Right? They eat the rice. "Oh! I like rice. I like rice.
Oh, I like it so much. I'm crouching tiger."
I love that, man.
The ltalian people have their spaghetti.
Uh, the gay people have their croutons. You've seen that.
What'd I say?
They do. They love salad, man. You guys know that.
You've seen it.
You've seen it, man.
"Ooh! Cherry tomatoes. Like a testi-cule.
Mmm... So salty.
I love it."
I better not piss off the queers, man.
That's a whole other trip.
You piss off a Latino gay, man, he'll freak out on you.
"No, you better stop it, stupid.
No, no, no, no.
You better stop it.
I'm serious.
You're being stupid.
You better stop it,
before I start it."
I'll chill out on that.
But you try to think of everybody. You know what I mean? You try to...
White people. We're trying to pin them down.
We call them "crackers."
It's not doing as good as I'd like it to.
But they're hard to pin down, man.
They're always in everybody else's restaurant,
so you can't really nail them down.
It's hard.
It's hard, man.
You'll see them in your shit. Trust me.
"Whoo. I had the most wonderful Mexican plate the other day.
I'm still gassy.
[farting]
Ooh.
Was that me or the salsa? Dear Jesus.
No wonder your people dance so good."
I'm just having a good time, guys. All right, man?
"Why do you gotta make it racial, dude?"
'Cause it's fuckin' funny.
That's all we've got, man, is who we are and what we were, man.
You gotta know where you came from to know where you're going.
It makes sense to me, man.
My parents let me know where I came from.
Oh, every...
Every fuckin' day.
"Hey, cabron, you know where you came from, goddamn it?
My balls.
Yup.
That's where you lived, cabron. In my little apartment right there.
In my two-bedroom apartment, that's where you grew up. Right there.
You were just a little fish, cabron. Just a little fish.
And you were the fastest one.
Goddamn right.
You came out of the Mexican cannon!
And you were born.
And then I don't know how your mom fucked it up. I don't know."
It was awesome, man.
I used to push it with my dad all the time, man.
I loved doing it too, man. It was great.
I used to come home drunk, like, really drunk, all the time, man.
Not just drunk. I mean wasted.
Where you come home and you take a leak... in one of their closets.
Fuck this.
"What the fuck are you doing to my choes?"
You got athlete's foot, man. I'm just...
Just trying to help you out.
Fuckin' A.
Whoo!
"You better go to sleep, goddamn it.
Tomorrow you're gonna be the early goddamn bird tomorrow, believe me!"
I think it's funny at the time. Fuckin' early bird.
[vomiting sound]
[slurring] Fuck this shit, man.
You're being an asshole.
Serious.
Fuck this shit. I don't need this shit. I'm moving out!
Brotha.
Moving out. I'm fuckin' 28 years old.
I don't need this shit. Fuck that.
But they'll wake you up the next day, bro.
They'll wake you up at 5:30 in the morning, man. Maybe earlier.
Right? They don't even have to shake you to wake you up.
All they gotta do is stare at you.
That'll open your eyes, man.
It feels like they've been there all fuckin' night.
Then you open your little crusty eye. You know? Huh?
"Hey, good morning!
Mr. Party Time!
Let's go, cabron. Wake up.
We're gonna reroof the goddamn house."
Huh?
Mom.
"Che's not here."
Oh, fuck.
You're up on the roof, man, and you're busting your balls.
Right? Hammering.
You have that father-and-son tension.
You know, where they send you to go look for shit
but they don't know what it is or where it is.
"Mijo, go find me the, you know, the...
[speaking Spanish]
You know, to put it next to it and do it. You know?"
[speaking Spanish]
Dad, I don't know what you're talking about, man.
"Find it."
All right, man. Take it easy.
Just tell me where it is, man, and I'll find it. Where is it?
"Pendejo, where is it? It's right there."
Right there? What do you mean right there?
Everything's right there.
"Don't be stupid.
All right? Look right there, next to the left."
Next to the what, now?
"lf you don't see it on the left, then look more lefter."
Dad, "more lefter," that's not even a word, man.
"Well, I'm not in school, Mr. Rogers. All right, goddamn it?
Now look on top of the thing by the side on the middle.
[speaking Spanish]
Look next to the top of the thing by the left that I'm telling you!
No, you're not looking on purpose, cabron!
I know what you're doing.
No. No.
Oh! Oh, but if it was your friends that you got drunk with...
Oh!
'l found it!
Oh, let me look harder for you, Sharlie. Look, I found it.
I love you, Sharlie.
Let's go get drunk and pee on my dad!"'
Dad, that was a mistake. I didn't mean to.
"You better find it,
because if I go there and I find it,
I'm gonna kick your ass.
Regardless."
- [hip hop music] - [cheering]
[Carlos] I can't say enough about Pablo, man.
What he does to an audience,
how Pablo makes an audience cheer and roar...
I was like, wow. This guy does something that I can't do.
Pablo just absorbs everything,
the good, the bad, the ugly, and puts it through his filter.
[announcer] Please, a warm round of applause. From Arizona,
- Mr. Pablo Francisco! - [rock music]
[cheering]
What's up, everybody? It's Friday night!
Right on. How you doing? What's up, Austin? How you doing?
Whoo!
[beatboxing]
[chuckling] How you guys doing? Feeling good tonight?
Austin's a party town, man. Shit.
There's partying everywhere.
I've been to New York, I mean...
They always got the same techno clubs too.
[techno beat sounds]
"What the fuck is this shit?"
[chuckling] Whoo!
[techno beat sounds]
And no matter what the music says, people still dance to it, don't they?
[techno beat sounds] Kill myself
"Kill myself."
Whoo!
People got earrings everywhere too. [drilling sounds]
Face looks like a fuckin' tambourine and shit. [chiming sound]
"Hi!
[giggling]
[chiming sound]
Come on!
Let's party! Come on!
[drilling sounds]
[giggling] Pikachu!
A bang-bang on my bumba."
Can't believe people get it down there.
"l wanna do it.
I wanna do it."
- "What are you gonna do?" - "l wanna fuckin' do it.
I'll smoke some crack and get my pecker pierced."
[drilling sounds]
They got jewelry that goes on your pecker.
They make that shit.
"This one's a bell.
It's a little tiny bell, goes right there on your huevo.
When the lights are down, you're having sex, you can hear it going off."
Like fucking the Salvation Army guy and shit.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Whoo!
Ding! Ding! Ding!
All right. Give me a dollar. Give me a dollar. All right.
[chuckling] Ding! Ding!
Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Can I get some service? Ding! Ding! Ding!
Shit, I'm sweating my ass off. Look at this shit.
You can pick up the ladies though. That music's craZy.
Any music can be better than Backstreet Boys.
98 Degrees. You guys into that shit still?
- [man] Yeah! - "Whoo! Backstreet!"
In every song... They don't understand in every song.
Girl, I don't understand
[gibberish]
What's that shit, you know?
You walk into a fuckin' grocery store and there's a magaZine of five guys...
It doesn't sound like music, man.
I grew up with The Gap Band. You know? Remember that shit?
[whistles] "Motherfucker, let's go."
Blue Oyster Cult. Remember Rick James? That motherfucker was bad.
Rick James... That guy just tells it like it is. "Pussy!
Cocaine! Come on."
Backstreet Boys, man,
their music sounds like they're singing to a Casio keyboard.
- [keyboard sounds] - Girl
Don't understand
Girl
I'm a queer
Some music, man.
I am your fire
Your one desire
- [farting sound] - Believe...
...when I say
I look like a puss-ay
- I'm a pussy - Ain't nothing like...
I'm a pussy
- ...say - I'm a pussy
'Cause I like it both ways
You guys are hot.
"You are hot."
Good-looking women, man. Ricky Martin, man. That fuckin' guy.
Like Ricky? "Ricky!
Ricky!"
Talk to me [quacks] Tell me your name
[quacks] Boo-boo
Teases women, Ricky Martin, man. "Would you like to touch Ricky?
No, you cannot. Would you like to touch Ricky?
No, you cannot touch Ricky."
Every song, he's in love. He doesn't understand either.
I don't... I don't believe in lyrics. You know? Lyrics.
Here I am
Alone again
The whole world wants to fuck me
But I'm all alone
Broken wings Fly away
Shattered hearts Boo-boo boo-boo
He should change the lyrics.
Queer I am
[chuckles] Enrique lglesias, though. He's cool, man.
He's got a little piece of choriZo on his... [chuckles]
[snorting]
It is, man.
You notice that thing when you walk in a room.
By my mole
Room is taken over by my mole
I go for a good-looking face.
Nice body/ugly face sucks, doesn't it?
Doesn't it suck?
"l love spaghetti, but I got shit on it.
It has shit sauce."
Sucks. And they'll trick you too, man.
They'll be on the StairMaster.
Looking good from behind
Looking fine
"What's going on?"
[roaring]
"Holy shit!"
[whipping sounds]
"lt came from beyond,
due to gamma rays."
Latin women, fuck.
Mexican women, they're the best girlfriends to have, man.
That's fuckin' right, man.
They get right in your shit. In my neighborhood,
you got a Mexican girlfriend, you don't need a big brother.
You get hit in the face.
"Fucker, I'm gonna get my girlfriend. That's fuckin' it.
Fuck you, dick.
What?"
They're the only women who don't need mace and shit.
I carry pepper spray, fucker.
"Come on. You want some of this, dick?"
Sucks. I thought it went out like this, like...
[spraying sound]
- Comes out like fuckin'... - [sputtering]
Fuckin' juice string. Confetti.
[sputtering]
You get all cocky with it and shit.
"You want some of this?
[can clicking sound]
Hey, dick, you want some of this?
- [sputtering] - Shit!
Put it on your eyes. Go like that.
Put it on your eyes.
Fuck."
Oh, they're outlawing pepper spray now.
Because pepper spray hurts the criminal's eyes.
It hurts his eyes,
so if he comes into your house, let him kill you
because you don't want to go through a lawsuit and shit.
Well, next you'll just have pepper.
- "You want some shit? - [grinding sound]
Say when, bitch! Come on. Let's go."
[grinding sound]
"Some croutons!
Fuckin' cherry tomato."
"Motherfuckin' bacon bits!"
[mumbling]
Filming this movie and shit. Filming this movie.
The Three Amigos.
I go to movies for one reason.
The previews guy. You know the previews guy?
[cheering]
"One man.
One decision.
One desire."
Fuckin' evil.
I met that guy in real life. He really talks like that.
"Hi, Pablo. Nice to meet you. My name is Don."
I was like, holy shit!
He had kids with him too. "Hello, Daddy. How are you?"
"Go to your room. Go to your room.
I'm sorry about that. These kids these days, they..."
Imagine making love to that guy? Imagine that.
"Oh, yeah.
Ha!
The passion in your eyes.
Take it to the base. Take it to the base.
Burns with desire."
"Get it over with!"
"One way in, no way out."
"Hurry up!"
"Coming soon."
Shit!
Man, you guys are good, man. Thanks, man.
"Action.
Romance.
Desire."
Imagine that guy making you breakfast in the morning?
"Two eggs are beaten beyond recognition."
Huh?
He'll do any voice.
[blowing]
"Morgan Freeman.
Keanu Reeves.
- "They knew too much." - "We know too much.
Whoa."
- "They went too far." - "We went too far.
He said we went too fuckin' far."
Jackie Chan? Fuckin' Jackie Chan.
Or Jean-Claude Van Damme. That guy makes movies all the time.
"Jean-Claude Van Damme is back
in the same shit you've seen over and over
and over again.
He's running out of ideas."
"Okay, I hit you and you go down.
Then I kick you and then I hit you,
and you go down.
And I'm the winner. I am the winner again, yes."
Jackie Chan's the funniest guy though. Jackie Chan?
"What? Hey!
What happening? What going on? Huh?
Why me? Why me?"
He gets in fights for the most stupidest reasons.
"What are you eating?"
"l don't know. I eat a banana."
"Get him!"
[grunting]
"A banana."
That movie previews voice,
that guy can take any topic regardless of what it is and make it cool.
[blowing]
"Put the lights out now.
Put the spotlight on me."
[blowing]
[heartbeat]
"ln the city,
you must fight to survive.
He sold tortillas on the corner.
[cheering]
And the mob wanted in."
"l don't know who this guy is, but I want him and his tortillas...
...dead!"
"He had one chance,
and his chance was to fight back.
Arnold SchwarZenegger."
[imitates SchwarZenegger] "These are my tortillas
and I'm not going to give them up.
Listen to me!"
"Double the action, triple the excitement."
"Get down!"
- "More of the excitement." - "Get down again!"
"They didn't know who he was."
"Mijito, who are those men who came here? What did they want?"
"Listen to me. You keep your head down.
They are trying to take my tortillas!"
[heartbeat]
- "One man." - [gun cocking sound]
- "One solution." - [gunshot]
"Arnold SchwarZenegger this summer is..."
"No!"
"Little Tortilla Boy."
- Thank you, Austin. - [people cheering]
Rock and roll, baby.
Peace out.
Right on. Whoo!
[rock music]
Peace!
Carlos likes to take a word,
a word,
and think about it so much
that it becomes a volume.
You'll learn a lot from him,
how to express yourself better by watching him.
How he gets things off his mind, which is...
Just a black belt at comedy.
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for
Carlos Mencia!
[rock music plays]
Oh, come on. You're too nice to me, fuckers.
You're making this beaner feel white.
Stop. I'm gonna get used to that fuckin' treatment.
By the way, the old man up here,
I apologiZe right now, 'cause I'm gonna scare the fuck out of you, so...
I just hope you don't have a heart attack. [Spanish]
It's gonna fuck you up. I'm sorry.
I'm already starting. I don't care. Fuck.
See, but I like fuckin' with old people like you.
'Cause you've seen everything. You don't give a shit.
You're not like the little punks that are protesting war and shit.
"Come on. We shouldn't be bombing people, 'cause it's not nice.
We should send them love and peace."
You're old. You've seen people. You've tried to talk to people.
You've been there trying to tell 'em, "Please, stop."
And they don't listen to you. "Stop, motherfucker, stop!
God, how many fuckin' times do I have to tell you?
Jesus fuckin' Christ!
Fuck."
It's a fuckin', you know...
And we're raising them here, fuckin' stupid people.
Idiots, fuckin' all over the place.
There's no way to get rid of them. That's the problem.
We don't have, like, Jeffrey Dahmer to come and eat these goofy fucks.
Have you met somebody that stupid that you wish you had
a 1 -800-DAHMER-COME-EAT-THlS- CULERO-RlGHT-NOW type of shit?
They're just fuckin' dumb? You know what I mean?
They go to the mall, and they're like, "How much does this cost?"
It cost $1,900. "Nah-ah. It says 1 9."
Then why did you fuckin' ask?
Fuck!
You see how some of you can't laugh at it?
'Cause you're... and you know it, and that's the fuckin' problem.
If you're sitting there going, "l wonder if he's talking about me"...
If you gotta ask, pendejo, I'm talking about you.
See the old man laughing? He fuckin' knows it's not him.
He survived. He's there. You see that shit?
Fuckin' smart.
Look at his wife. She's way cuter than him.
He's a fuckin' smart man.
Motherfucker knew.
"I'm fat and I'm ugly. How do I get good pussy?
Make better money than all the other fuckers." Am I right?
That's the way you did it, viejo.
Look at the lady laughing.
"How does he know?" That's how it happens.
That's why you see hot chicks with ugly midgets all the time.
She's all hot, and he's just like...
[humming circus tune]
How the fuck did this happen?
It's always ugly guys that have the balls.
They're the ones. Ugly guys are smart. They know.
They play the odds. "You wanna dance? No? Fuck you, then.
You wanna dance? No? Fuck you, then."
They have the balls.
And the hot chicks, you know how you hear it? It's true.
Hot chicks go to clubs, and guys don't have the balls to talk to them.
"She's gonna say no. She's too pretty."
But the ugly fucker, he goes, "What do I have to lose?
I'm already ugly.
What's she gonna do, not fuck me? She's already not gonna fuck me."
So he just goes up to her... [humming circus tune]
He doesn't even ask. "Come on. I like that song, puta. Let's go."
Dancing all that old shit. "Come on, bitch. I know the moves."
That's the cool guy right there.
I hate that shit.
'Cause, see, what it's all about is, first of all,
stupid people have more babies than the rest of us.
Rich people and educated people don't have many kids.
A, because it's really fuckin' expensive.
When you're broke, you don't realiZe how expensive shit is,
because you can't afford the shit, so you don't even think about that shit.
You don't think, "Fuck, what if my mijo goes to college?"
You didn't go. You're not thinking that way.
There's parents going, "I'm a janitor, pendejo,
and why can't you be?"
'Cause, you know, it's expected now. You know what I mean?
That expectation. That's what it is.
We go to Taco Bell the other day, and we get shitty service.
I said, "l want a fuckin' burrito with no onions. Bean and cheese burrito."
I open the shit up, it has fuckin' onions.
So I told my friend I'm gonna fuckin' complain.
"Don't do it. Just... It's cool, man.
They work at Taco Bell. What do you expect?"
I expect the motherfucker to do his job. That's what I expect.
It ain't my fuckin' fault you roll tacos.
How the fuck is that my fault?
I fuckin' snapped.
It's always you fuckin' white people saying stupid shit like that.
That's why the fuckin' Taliban and all them fuck with us,
because you're so goddamn nice to them all the time
that they think they can piss over us whenever the fuck they want.
Hey, fuck that! I'm not putting up with that shit any goddamn more.
I gave him the shit back and said, "Motherfucker, I said no onions."
I even said it in Spanish. "No cebollas.
How many languages will I need to fuckin' tell it?
You will take this back. You will make me another one.
And I don't give a fuck if you get mad and you spit in my shit.
I'm gonna open that fuckin' burrito, and if I see a moco, I'm gonna be okay
as long as there are no fuckin' onions!"
Do your fuckin' job.
Those are the people that have shitloads of kid.
"l got fuckin' four kids I gotta feed."
Wear a rubber, fucker.
Come in her mouth. I don't care.
Jesus, have you ever come on your wife's face? It's fuckin'...
Viejo, tell them how nice it is.
Tell them.
Do you see that?
See, some of you are like, "Carlos, that's fucked up.
Don't be talking about sex with that old man."
They've done shit that you haven't even dreamt of fuckin' doing.
They've been together for 20, 30 years.
You think he hasn't bent her over the fuckin' stool
with her culo straight in the fuckin' air
put it in her ass and said, "Dale gas, viejo! Dale gas!"?
You know you have, mama. You know you have.
You know you know what "balls-deep" means. Don't act like you don't.
These kind of little pussy kids we're raising.
I never said that. I got in trouble in school all the time.
Ask my mom if I got in trouble.
"Senora Mencia, did you...
Did he ever get in trouble at school?"
"No, not that I know of."
I never told her shit She wouldn't have reacted like that.
My mother had 1 8 kids. That's a craZy bitch.
You don't fuckin' know her.
My mother's like a uterus with a head. That's my fuckin' mom.
She had babies to the conga.
[humming conga] Just popping shit out.
She's like popcorn. [popping sound]
"Maria, Alberto, Jose, Joaquin, Ramon, move out of the way!"
She didn't even know when I was born.
I was 1 6th in my family.
Sixteenth.
There were 1 5 kids born before me.
Yeah. I'm not saying she was loose or anything,
but by the time I got there, it was a fuckin' Slip 'N Slide.
For the last three months, I was holding on. "What the fuck?"
She would go dancing. I could see the disco lights.
[Spanish]
You have no idea what it's like
to see your dad's dick flying at you at 3:00 in the morning.
Thank God he was a beaner and never got that close. You know?
Oh, fuck you. I'm glad he wasn't black, and I'm sticking to that story.
Fuckin' big black dick.
"Hey, that's bigger than the la... Holy shit!
Mommy, chupala!
I don't care what it says in the Bible. Suck it!"
She didn't even know when I was fuckin' born.
She's washing dishes. I'm hanging from the cord like a fuckin' pinata.
I'm like, "Come on, puta! Look down!"
My brothers are like, "How come the candies don't come out?"
Motherfuckers.
A great mom, though.
My mom was awesome. She was fuckin' bad-ass.
She raised a goddamn kid that didn't sit and complain about shit.
That's why everybody hates America.
"Why do you have so much? Why?"
Because we fuckin' work hard.
Because we put more hours in than everybody else.
Because we realiZe that, in order to be a great country, you need diversity,
for diversity is what makes America great.
See? We might talk a lot of shit, but we let the black people in,
because, goddamn it, every four years there are Olympics, and they run fast.
We let the chinks in too.
"Come on, fucker. Teach us how to fight."
We let the beaners in. Why? We gotta go to war.
And sometimes, borders need to be crossed.
We need experts at this shit.
We have everybody.
See, that's the way my parents raised me.
Don't cry about shit. Make it happen.
I never came home, "Mommy, they were making fun of me at school."
My mom would've went, "Maricon, and you let them?
Fag!
Is that a panocha between your legs?
Ay, look at her pussy!
We made a mistake, viejo. It's a girl!
Look at her pussy. Call your friends. Get the cigars back!"
That's when my mom would look at my dad and go, "This is your fault."
That's when my dad would give me that fuckin' speech.
"I'm not gonna beat the fuck outta you because you didn't know the rules,
so I'm gonna explain them to you.
Never come home crying like a bitch.
You had family go to that school that didn't act like a bitch,
and you have two brothers that are gonna go
and get their chit beat out of them because you'll be a fag,
and it's not gonna happen.
Second of all, goddamn it, you fight.
If they kick you out because you got into a fight,
por Dios y mi madre, I'm gonna be proud of you.
[Spanish] You're the man."
Fuck, Dad. What if they're bigger than me?
"Then you stab that motherfucker!
Get a #2 pencil, charpen it, y dale gas, cabron!
And when it's inside, break it. pa' que se le quite lo pendejo.
That way he have to go to the hospital to take it out.
But don't tell them I told you that.
That's called 'accessory,' pendejo.
They go 'What happened?' 'l put it in, I slipped, and it broke.'
You gotta have an alibi."
Your parents... You'd be afraid of your parents.
My mother is that fuckin' tall. I swear to God.
That's my mom right there.
She's fuckin' 90 pounds, she's fuckin' 60-something years old,
and I'm afraid of that bitch.
She scares the shit outta me.
And she beat the shit outta me.
I wanna fuck her up before she dies. Don't get me wrong.
And when I hug her, her neck is right there just waiting to fuckin' snap it.
But if I do, on the way down she'll pull a gun outta her chichis
and go, "Hijo de la chingada!"
She'll fuckin' shoot my ass.
And with my luck, she won't kill me.
She'll just fuckin' hit me in the head, and I'll be retarded.
You'll see me in ten years. "Give it up for Carlos."
[slurring] "That fuckin' craZy bitch!
Look at what she did to me!
I can't drive in the convertible 'cause my head whistles."
We used to get preventive ass-whoopings.
Kids don't not only get beat, we used to get beat before we did shit.
You remember going to fuckin' Fiesta or HEB when you were a fuckin' kid?
The goddamn supermarket. When you stepped on that black mat,
and your mom would look at you before you walked in and go,
"Mira, cabron, don't embarrass me."
What the fuck?
I didn't even do shit, Mom.
"You better not."
I go to Kmart now, I see kids all fuckin', "l want a Pikachu!
I want a Pikachu! You said you were gonna buy me the Pikachu,
but you haven't bought me a Pikachu, a Pikachu!"
If you don't beat the fuck outta him, I'm gonna beat the fuck outta you.
Somebody's gonna get their ass beat.
I don't know who. You pick. Somebody's gonna get their ass beat.
That's how you raise kids.
To respect and shit.
But, no, we don't do that anymore.
My mother beat me at fuckin' Kmart when we were in the parking lot.
Fuck.
I was three years old. She just smacks me on the fuckin' forehead.
Pendejo, remember where we parked.
What the fuck, Mom? We came on the bus, bitch!
But we're fuckin' pussies when it comes to kids now.
"Let's not do that. That's not fair.
It's not nice, Carlos."
Gotta raise fuckin' bright kids, man.
You gotta push them to be excellent.
Gotta fuckin' get them off their asses.
Make them understand you're kicking their ass
so that they can have fuckin' guidance in life
so that they know that they can't just act like fools and shit.
We don't do that. We're all selfish and shit.
"It's all about me, dude. It's all about me, man."
It's like chicks. Always wanna blame all their problems on men.
It's never their fault. It's never your fault that you can't come. No.
It's not fuckin' possible that you couldn't fuckin' come.
"He didn't make me come, Jennifer.
He didn't make me come."
No, let's get this shit straight. You didn't make you come.
Why is it that we never have a problem coming
no matter how fuckin' ugly you are?
You could be fat, ugly. We don't care. We come because we focus.
When we're fuckin' you, that's all we're thinking about.
The problem is that you don't think about what you're doing.
All of a sudden you start thinking, "Oh, my God. Should I have done this?
Is he gonna get any ideas? He better remember my name.
Fucker better call me.
Does he remember my name? Do I have his number? Do I like him?
I think I like him. Should I grab his ass?
Should I let him stick it in my ass? Should I put my finger in his ass?
Do I have milk? I don't think I have milk. We need orange juice."
Holy shit!
By the time you fuckin', we're coming all over.
[grunting]
And then you have the balls to go, "You already came?"
I've been fuckin' you for 45 minutes!
My dick is chafing at this point!
'Cause women don't apply the same rules. See?
You don't understand that men and women are different.
We're completely different. It's easy to make a man come.
It's hard to make a woman come.
- Bullshit! - Bullshit?
See, and I know why you say that.
Because you think that men and women are the same.
But you're fuckin' wrong. See...
For example, men have a G-spot. Of course we do.
It's an easy G-spot. Every guy has it in the same fuckin' place.
Whoomp. There it is.
It never hides. It never changes.
As a matter of fact, it's retarded-proof.
Just in case you don't know where it is,
it gets a little fuckin' bigger just for your retarded ass.
It's my dick's way of going, "Maybe she's stupid. Here, dummy!"
And I know what you're thinking. "Women have G-spots too."
Concur. Of course you do. The difference?
Every one of you bitches in this room has a G-spot,
except in every one of you it's in a different fuckin' place!
Now, how the fuck am l supposed to find this shit?
You fuck one girl, she comes when you grab her right fuckin' here.
The next girl, you grab there,
she goes, "You gonna fuck me or tickle me?"
Every time you fuck a girl it moves. How would you like to be Columbus?
You discover America, say "l found it,"
go back to the same place and, "l swear it was right there."
Women, you need to understand that we're different.
You need to understand that you're very complicated.
See, once a woman learns how to give one man a blowjob, guess what.
You graduated.
You don't need any more classes. You know how to suck every guy's dick.
It's different. We learn how to go down on our girlfriend,
and how to make her come, and that's cool,
but you only know how to make her come.
If you did that shit to her friend, she'd be like, "No.
I don't know who taught you that, but you gotta fuckin' lick the bean.
You gotta lick the bean.
You gotta get the little man in the boat, bite him and...
See, that's difficult for a man.
And you fuckin' women don't help.
"What can I do to make you come? I wanna make you feel good."
Here's your stupid answer: "Whatever."
You act like you've never seen a dick in your life. "What's that?"
"You can do whatever." Don't fuckin' say "whatever."
Well, don't get mad when I stick it in your culo.
"No! Not that! Not that!"
Shut up, puta. You said "whatever." I know what "whatever" means.
Here's Webster's Dictionary. Read it.
It's easy for a woman.
You don't understand how easy it is for you.
Whatever you do to a dick, it feels good. Whatever you do.
You can hit a dick like that. It feels good.
You can lick it. You can spit on it. It feels good.
You can fuckin' jerk it, whack it, punch it...
If you stare at a dick long enough, ladies, with the proper intensity,
and just stare at it, it'll get hard and go...
Holy shit!
Did you see that?
Oh! Did you... Holy shit!
You'll be calling your friends,
"She didn't even touch it. She Jedi-mind-tricked my dick!"
You can't tell your friends, 'cause they'll be at your house.
"Where's Amy, dude?
I'm not gonna touch her, fag. I'm not gonna touch her."
Dale Dudley would be over my fuckin' house.
- [laughing] - [man shouts] Yeah!
"l just wanna talk to her, Carlos."
See? You gotta realiZe this shit and you gotta grow beyond it. See?
The comprehension of it is one thing. The understanding of it is another.
You gotta exercise this shit.
You gotta understand that in your generation,
you know what it is to lose life.
To give up your life for liberty, the pursuit of happiness,
freedom of speech, so take it,
instead of crying about shit like the Taco Bell dog.
Remember that fuckin' bullshit? All the fuckin' Latinos.
"It's a very negative misrepresentation
of the Latino people and culture."
Listen, if you're a fuckin' beaner, and you look at the fuckin' Taco Bell dog,
and you actually have the balls to go,
"He looks like me"...
...how fucked is your self-esteem?
"l see that Chihuahua, and I see myself...
...and I don't like what it represents."
'Cause you're a retard.
'Cause you're so used to looking at the glass half empty
that you don't know how to make shit better.
See, life can be good or bad depending on how you look at it.
"The Taco Bell dog, Carlos. What about that?"
It's fuckin' great. First, you stupid ass,
white people didn't bitch when the Budweiser frogs
started fuckin' talking all retarded, did they?
You didn't hear that shit.
You didn't hear people going, "That's bullshit!
How come it takes three frogs to say one fuckin' word?"
No. Just fuckin' beaners. "Ah, that's fucked up."
Pendejo, look on the bright side.
White people, you wanna believe that the Chihuahua dog
is a representation of Hispanic people?
Fuckin' bring it on. I accept, for he talks.
He is the smartest dog in the fuckin' world ever to exist
in the history of the earth.
A talking dog. That's right. 'Cause you know what?
White people, your dog, Lassie, that bitch couldn't talk.
Fuck you and your fuckin' dog. Your dog ain't shit.
"What's wrong, Lassie?" [barking]
Taco Bell dog don't fuck around. "What wrong?"
- "Your house is on fire." - "Shit! Gotta go, fucker.
My house is on fire. Gotta go.
Thanks, puto. Here's some Gravy Train."
Horse shit. See, if I was black, I'd be pissed.
Where's the nigga dog?
Where's a goddamn ghetto-ass nigga rottweiler
with a bullet wound in his ass and shit?
Doing commercials for Kentucky Fried Chicken, motherfucker!
"Woof woof, nigga, woof woof!
You want some macaroni and cheese?
Nigga, KFC!
Original crispy!"
That's fuckin' great.
And the Asians are gonna be mad. "How 'bout our dog?"
You get a dog too, ching-a-ling.
A Shih TZu, the one that looks like you grabbed it by the face and went...
That dog. We got that Shih TZu doing commercials for Chinese restaurant.
[out of sync] "lf you're in the neighborhood...
[chuckling out of sync]
...we've got Kung Pao Chicken, Egg Foo Yung...
...beef fried rice." [chuckling]
There's a couple of Asians going, "How in the fuck does he do that?
I cannot do that.
I could get straight A, but I cannot do that."
We need an lrish setter doing commercials for lrish Spring soap.
"You ever wake up in the mornin',
you smell your ass but you're thinkin',
[sniffs] 'Motherfucker!'?
You walk up to another dog, you smell his culo,
and you're thinkin', 'Don't you ever wash your arse hair?
Haven't you ever heard of lrish Spring soap?'
That's what I do.
I scrub my balls with lrish Spring soap.
Make 'em nice and spring-fresh.
So when the bitches walk up to me and they smell it, they go... [sniffs]
'Oh, those are Lucky Charm-fresh balls, they are!'
That's right, bitch. Lick my shillelagh.
It's magically delicious."
[clicks tongue]
That's right. We need a fag dog too.
I know you fags were thinking, "He forgot about us."
Au contraire, mon ami. I love homos.
Anybody willing to suck my dick is a good person.
But we do. We need a little fag poodle...
...doing commercials for K-Y Jelly.
'Cause sometimes it hurts.
We need a little fag poodle doing commercials for Ricky Martin concerts.
That's right. You heard Pablo earlier talk about his faggoty ass.
I don't even care that he's gay. Just fuckin' tell me the truth.
Don't play that bullshit game.
Do you know that Ricky Martin thinks you're bigots? That's right.
He thinks every one of you motherfuckers is a bigot,
and he also thinks that you guys are anti-gay.
If he didn't, he wouldn't have a problem coming out of the closet,
but he thinks as soon as you find out he sucks dick,
you're not gonna buy his albums.
It's about you. And you know what I say to Ricky?
Fuck you. First of all, if you suck dick, I don't give a shit.
I don't care whose balls you lick or where you stick your ass.
That has nothing to do with me.
If you sing good music that makes a chick wanna suck my dick,
then power to you, motherfucker. That's the way I look at that shit.
Don't get mad when they ask you.
They're gonna ask you, 'cause you act like a fag and then not.
They asked him. Remember Barbara Walters?
"Are you gay?"
"Some things you just keep to yourself."
Fag answer, my friend.
That is a fag answer.
Let me show you a real-man answer.
"Mr. Mencia, there's a rumor you're gay.
How would you like to address it?"
By eating your pussy, Barbara, on national television.
Spread that crusty old fuckin' 2020 snatch
and let me in!
'Cause, goddamn it... [Spanish]
So bring that skanky pussy my way. I roll my R's, bitch.
[trilling]
What?
Why are you covering your fuckin' face?
I know who you are.
You're the kind that, when your boyfriend farts,
you get all fuckin'... [whining]
"That's not funny, Kevin.
It's fuckin' gross."
Don't be doing that shit. Let a man be a man.
I'm a fuckin' man, and I fart.
I got stains on my motherfuckin' underwears right now.
Big, brown, chocolate stains, 'cause I'm a motherfuckin' man.
I don't wanna hear your shit, ladies. We do shit for you. That's right.
That is symbiosis. It's a balance.
It ain't one or the other. It's one and the other.
"But I have to smell your farts!"
Yeah, but I do shit for you too, mija.
"No! I have to smell your farts!"
And I have to wash your blood off my cock! So shut the fuck up!
Look at how some of the women can't laugh.
No!
Hey, ladies, it ain't our fault.
It's your fault. That's right, don't go...
Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
Do you think that we wanna have sex with you when you're on your period?
Listen, mija. You have this hole, this hole, this hole, this hole,
and with some K-Y, this hole.
Do you understand that? That's five alternative holes.
Why would we wanna stick it in the one that looks like a dead rooster?
Huh? 'Cause you lie to us.
You're horny and you start playing with our dick,
and we're like, "You know what time of the month it is,"
and you look at your fuckin' man and you go, "Ay, I'm only spotting!"
You fuckin' liar!
And we believe your stupid ass.
Then we're in the fuckin' shower. Holy shit! My balls are bleeding!
"You're a cochino. It's not that bad. It's only blood.
Bullshit! What are these little chunky things on my nuts?
I did not order Hamburger Helper.
That's right. I said it.
'Cause I'm inspired. I hope this movie inspires people too.
'Cause I have shit that inspires me.
I'm gonna fuckin' even be craZier than I was before,
because now I know that people die for this shit,
for our right to have a little fuckin' good time amongst each other.
But no, we gotta be pussies.
Well, watch Braveheart and act like the motherfucker's American
so that you can hear him say, and you can feel it in your heart,
and if there's any Middle Eastern people out there
or any fuckers offended to the point where you wanna fuck with me,
Iet me tell you something: you will never fuckin' ever scare me
or people into coming and fuckin' being real human beings and Americans.
'Cause you can fuckin' take our planes, you can take down our buildings,
you can fuckin' bring us to war,
but you know what you can't take, Ahmed Raheem Salaam?
Our motherfuckin' freedom to say
"Kiss my motherfuckin' American ass."
Good night, everybody!
Thank you for coming out to The Three Amigos!
And keep it going for Mr. Pablo Francisco!
That's my boy! That's my boy in the motherfuckin' house!
Don't stop, goddamn it! Don't stop! Get it, get it, Mr....
...Freddy Soto!
Who's the man? Who's the man?
Freddy and Pablo and Carlos.
- The three... - [audience] Amigos!
Thank you. We're outta here.
Good night, Texas!
[whooping, hollering]
Whoo!
- Rockin' show. - [Pablo] I'm numb.
- [Freddy] Right on, man. - [Carlos] That was so awesome.
[all chattering at once]
[narrator] As the night draws to a close,
and you walk out of this theater
to face your own destiny,
just remember this;
There are no refunds.
[man] Whoo-ha-ha-ha-ha!